Another New Season…Still a Desire to Write…

I come back to this blog, and thoughts of writing here, whenever life ushers in a new season. Here I am. I’m grateful the rare appearance of the Martha in me is present, and wanting to take on the “doing.” Its not that the contemplative Mary isn’t present, but action is at the helm right now.

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My plan is to use this as a regular journal. The purpose behind my entries? Simply to write. I want to record my days. I want to share my quest for Truth, Goodness, and Beauty. I want to connect with others on a similar path. I hope you will join me.

There is No Place Like Home

Through the generosity and love of friends, we were able to call this historic beauty, “home” for a period of time this year.

“And, as she fell asleep still thinking of violets and fairy rings and moonlight over the wide, wide land, where their very own homestead lay, Pa and the fiddle were softly singing,

‘Home! Home! Sweet, sweet home, 

Be it ever so humble 

There is no place like home.'”

-By the Shores of Silver Lake, Laura Ingalls Wilder

 

No better words to end our journey through the first five novels of the “Little House” series, and to send us off to sweet dreams on the first night in our new home after months of continuous change, moving, and uncertainty.  On restless waters we sailed, searching faithfully for the warm beacon from a lighthouse in the distance, and finally pulling into a safe harbor.

I was flipping through my homeschool planner the other day, taking an end of the year inventory and assessment. Each turn of the page was a reminder of all we had been through this year. I was amazed at the extent, and realized not only did I need to gift myself  grace in the areas I failed, but also, despite all the “interruptions” we experienced this year, learning happened.

Learning is always going on, whether I facilitate it or not.

There can be a heap of pressures and fears, from both external and internal resources, when you educate your children at home. This year, being our second year since venturing on this journey, I felt them so heavily and deeply, that at times the burden felt too great to carry. I am reminded now that it is not mine to carry. (1 Thess. 5:24; Heb. 13:20-21; Matt. 11:28-30)

Getting lost in the pages of another time and place was one of our anchors this year. It connected us, kept us grounded, and for a time we “lived” there. Everything I’ve read thus far about using whole living books to learn, was lived out in our homeschool. We will never forget our experiences with Laura, Mary, and Carrie, and Ma and Pa. They wove in so well to our own personal experiences this year, that they are forever connected.

Part of that connection is the meaning of “home.” We lived in several houses this year, but “home” was always where our heart was….and that was being together. I know, its cliche, but its true, and I can’t imagine any other way of experiencing this than having our boys “home.”

Cheers to the start of something new.

 

 

 

A Dance in the Mess

I’m struggling to break free from my perfectionism, my unrealistic expectations, my stringent, legalistic ideals. What should my life be? A list of do’s and don’ts? A schedule to be followed? A perfectly regimented march? Keep in line, Jen, or face the consequences!! Hmmmmm, I’m beginning to wonder what those consequences are. Pain, disappointments, failure! I bet, yes. Laughter, joys, success. I bet too! What should my life be? Freedom to choose? A spontaneous adventure? The twirling dance of a free, creative spirit? A full breath of fresh air.

When I make a cake, I try to do so in the cleanest way possible. I avoid a mess. When my boys make a cake, it’s one big, swirling, laughing mess! The messy process is fun, something to be savored. Something to be embraced.

I wanna live like that!

What about you?

Off the Track

My youngest son loves trains. Literally whenever he sees one, his whole body responds. Eyes and mouth wide with amazement, shudders of excitement, arms and legs waving and kicking with joy, tiny fingers pointed, followed by sweet shouts of “Choooooo Chooooooo!” Even presented with only the remote possibility of getting a glimpse of one of these power movers, he will wait patiently, as near to the empty track that Mommy or Daddy will allow, for just that chance to experience that rush again. I would love to take him on a train. He hasn’t yet seen a train from the inside perspective, only as the standby observer, from a safe distance, off the track. He sees the train for one brief moment on its journey, never knowing where it came from,  where its going, or what its main purpose is.

I suppose life is like that. We are all traveling on a track toward something. Lately though, I’ve been wondering, is it ever possible that you can step off the track, maybe even get derailed, and become the observer….the one patiently waiting at the side of the track for that glimpse of another train steaming forward, full of power and purpose and focus….only to see it pass and disappear around the bend, leaving a sense of emptiness and longing. Longing to be on the track.

I’ll be honest, that’s me. I feel like wherever I turn there are people energetically focused, aware of purpose, filled with a dream, steaming toward a destination. If I work hard enough at it, I can remember when I had that much drive. What is easy, is remembering when I lost it. Sitting rather awkwardly across from a therapist, my eighteen year old self expressing fear of the possibility of dying young. Why? Because the focus and purpose for my life that I had built up in my still developing, inexperienced mind was crumbling before my very eyes. Only a couple of months into film school, a huge financial commitment, a mountain of expectations I could not live up to, physical and emotional exhaustion, confusion, and an overbearing desire to run. Run I did. Whether or not that dream was one God placed on my heart or not, my leaving, left a huge portion of me empty, lost, listless, off the track.

My desire to create stifled by fear and insecurity, I excelled in studying the creations of others. Artworks of the ancients became my passion. Perhaps the only time I felt focused on something so deeply, were those years earning my degree in Art History and Religious Studies. But, I could never see beyond that, never sum up a driving force to plow forward toward a goal. I studied for the sheer joy of learning, with no intentions.

I had taken on a “let life happen to me” attitude. Fast forward several years, my days are spent home, with our two little ones. Enduring tantrums, and the humdrum of housekeeping. I have experienced my small, private victories and accomplishments within our walls. Laughed and delighted in our boys and their silliness and zest for life. I have experienced the powerful fellowship of women who chose the same. Seen their passion for that choice. I’ve tried desperately to share in that feast with as much fervor, not even bothering to ask why I would.

But….yet still…as I see those around me moving forward in their lives, those working toward something, a focused point and passion, those living out their dreams….I can’t help but feel, I am off the track. My focus, purpose, dreams, were lost a long time ago I am afraid. I don’t know how to get them back.

Where are you? On the track or off?

I Am a Writer

I am a writer. No wait…I AM A WRITER! What does this mean? Does it mean I write for a living, that I’m a published author, a reporter…what? I am none of those things today. Does it mean I write because I want to, I love to, I can’t help it? Quite possibly.

For the next 15 days I am taking the Great Writer Challenge at goinswriter.com. Today, I face the challenge of declaring that I am a writer. This is no simple declaration. Who am I? My goodness, I haven’t even updated this blog in forever! Does that disqualify me from being a writer? Perhaps, if I allow it to.

In my mix of thoughts and emotions as I write this, fear and pride are my biggest walls to hurdle. Fear of criticism, ridicule, rejection and failure. Fear that I’m not good enough, that I am not what I declare. Fear that I am! Prideful in that I want to hide my inner self from the world, not allow others to see and assess or judge who I am. To hold on to some amount of dignity.

Despite it all, today I step forward in faith…as weak as it may be…I AM A WRITER.

What do you need to declare today?

Golden Moments

In an effort to really get consistent in posting, I have been going through some of my MOPS devotions that I have written over the last year and a half, to see if any are “post worthy.” Though, I’m not sure if they live up to that expectation, I have decided to add some to this blog. Serving as Prayer and Care Coordinator for the MOPS group I am part of has opened the door back into a love of mine…writing. Since finishing my bachelors degree several years ago, I’ve desired to write, but haven’t really given myself a reason to. My position in MOPS has given me the opportunity to not only get back into writing, but has also stretched me in the public speaking/teaching arena. I love it! 

This devotion, given November 17, 2010 is entitled “Golden Moments.”

It always amazes me how much God uses my children to teach me about myself and Him.

Not long ago I was flipping through a book on parenting, and I came across something the author referred to as “golden moments.” These are particular moments in the day when intentional and positive parental interaction is especially crucial and makes a big difference in their development and growth.

The first of these golden moments is right after those sleepy heads rise to greet the day. They are especially in need of some loving attention during this time.

In reflecting on my own experience with my boys, I can see how much this makes sense, as I’m sure you can with your own little ones.

When our children are infants this loving attention flows easily into the physical demands they require, that being time for feeding or nursing first thing in the morning. As they grow, it might be cuddle time on the couch, or a good morning hug. Whatever it may be, it’s that time for reconnection, for bonding, for comfort, and confirmation that we are there for them.

For the most part, this has always been easy for me with my older son, Cash, but admittedly, not so much with the younger, Colt. It seems that I have become more distracted by the busyness of my mornings, rushing to and fro making breakfast and coffee, and whatever else seems too urgent in that moment to ignore. The poor little guy tailing me on my heels, pulling and reaching to be picked up.

Reading about these golden moments has made me much more aware of his behavior, and I realized he’s been expressing his need for loving attention from Mommy, at a time when he needs it most. In fact a few mornings ago, he made it quite clear by literally screaming and throwing himself down at my feet.

So, I picked up my son, left behind those seemingly important distractions in the kitchen, and took him to the couch to cuddle. He almost instantly became calm and content, and to tell you the truth, so did I. As I settled into this moment of calm and stillness with him, I became aware of my own feelings that morning, and saw that they were not far off from his. I was in need of some loving comfort, some reassurance, some guidance, some strength, and it dawned on me how much I had been neglecting my morning time with God lately.

Really, we are not much different from our little ones. I think we still have “golden moments.” We still have a need for reconnection, bonding, comfort, and confirmation that someone is there for us in the moment, and throughout the day. It’s crucial to our growth and development.

Our children seek us out when they want or need something. Jesus tells us in the seventh chapter of Matthew to keep on seeking and we will find. Seek what? Or rather, whom? Seek God and you will find Him to be there.

So, in the morning, during your golden moment,

Seek Him…..

If you need guidance, He will reveal wisdom and His will.

If you need strength, He will give you His Spirit.

If you need safety, He will be your fortress.

If you need comfort and reassurance, He will be your rock.

If you need to be filled, He is your bread and water.

and….. If you need love, He is your friend and perfect Father.

Deep Water

Put out into deep water. Luke 5:4

“The Lord did not say how deep. The depth of the water into which we sail depends upon how completely we have cut our ties to the shore, the greatness of our need, and the anxieties about the future. Yet the fish were to be found in the deep, not the shallow, water.”  (From Streams in the Desert, L.B Cowman)

Words from my favorite devotional book, lovingly handed over to me by a friend three years ago when I was in the midst of a seemingly unending depression. This same friend was one that I called from time to time, with nothing to say, instead only anticipating some kind of instruction: “Jen, go eat an apple. Drink a glass of water. Walk outside. Take a shower.” All monumental, nearly impossible tasks at the time. I remember slowly biting into an apple, feeling all the physical strength sapped from me from the simple action, and yet with that bite, the slow momentum upward toward the sunlight peering through the opening of the deep hole I huddled in.

A deep hole, deep waters, whatever it be, oxygen was scarce to non existent. Need for my Savior took on a whole new meaning. It was not water nor food that He provided, my soul unable to assimilate, but His life giving breath. The bare essential for life. My Constant Companion, as I searched His Word for answers and hope, or as I lay on the couch watching the changing sky outside.

Into the deep. The sweetest times I have had with the Lord have been my darkest times. In the dark, there is no “light” in this world that can distract me from the True Light.

Maybe you can relate?